HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me irl
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.