*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.