My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
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Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
The symmetry is uncanny.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.