*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Everything reminds me of my ex
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
this makes me so uncomfortable
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*