I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
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Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.