I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.