LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
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[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.