It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
For the baby who has everything
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Yep.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.