Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.