Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
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Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
It’s an epidemic…
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.