[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.