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HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Watermelon Boss!
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.