Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
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The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go