I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?