11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
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Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“That’s what” – She
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
🙋♀️
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Mood.. 😂
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
August 8
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle