I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
mathematically impossible
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
nobody’s gonna understand
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot