[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace