3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
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#milo
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you