Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
drew a comic about my origin story
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?