These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
You Might Also Like
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.