You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*