If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*