subtitles are so good nowadays
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.