Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
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[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes