Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
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8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.