You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
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Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
adding to the discourse
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.