People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
You Might Also Like
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.