When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
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VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Single and childfree like Jesus
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.