my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
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Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Ugh but profoundly
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now