When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Yup
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I hope Alan is OK
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to