GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
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Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.