GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
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[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
What flavor cupcake are these
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
relationship goals
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm