I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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I want to meet the individual who made this
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home