I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?