My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
You Might Also Like
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.