What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE