first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
58.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.