Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
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Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.