“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist