my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
You Might Also Like
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)