Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Usage Guidelines
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Art by Pastelkatto
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
#CatsOnTwitter
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]