I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
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Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.