Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.