wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*