God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂