There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
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Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie