Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
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You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am