Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!