If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.