My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!